Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Brad Ramanujam...

This post was loosely inspired from a prompt at dVerse, which asked for poems on taboo subjects. I’m not a good poet, so this is what I ended up writing instead. This is entirely a work of fiction. It contains a lot of profanity (intended in a humorous way only) and talks about taboo subjects like drugs, sex and prostitution. Please do not read this if you are in any way offended by any of the topics that have been mentioned above.

The name Brad Ramanujam is an anagram of my own name, Arnab Majumdar. No offence intended for any Brad Ramanujams or Dan Fedoseevs out there.

~

(audience applauds)

My name is Brad Ramanujam. I know it’s a weird name…

(audience laughs),

but wait a while before you start laughing. It’s about to get better.

My name’s Brad Ramanujam, and I was a lonely child. I had friends, but at home I was alone. I envied my friends who had siblings. Then, I’d go back home to my bland room and try to sleep, wishing that I’d have a little sister or a little brother someday.

Thing is, my dad left when I was a little kid. So, having a little sister or a brother became a bit difficult. At least, that’s how it seemed at that time to my innocent little mind – no dad, no brothers or sisters. Simple childish logic.

(Brad laughs)

(audience laughs)

For a long time, I used to keep wondering why my dad left. My mother never gave me the answers. Of course, she wasn’t around much for me to ask the questions, but that’s ok. I was fine, really. Except a few unanswered questions. But hey, who doesn’t have unanswered questions as children, right?

Now, the name, Brad Ramanujam

(audience laughs)

Yeah I know, I find the damned name funny too. Now, this name, Brad Ramanujam. Brad was the name my mother chose. Ramanujam was my dad, and for some reason she chose that name as well. Why, Mom? You’d think a name like Ramanujam, combined with the name Brad, would give me some leverage in high-school?

So, I got bullied a lot. A lot! For the first few years, I never got home when my hair wasn’t soppy – that’s how much I got bullied. It kinda grows on you, over time, though.

I got bullied because of my name a lot, and every time my head would be dunked into a toilet – that’s how I used to get the soppy hair every day, if you guys are keeping up –

(audience laughs)

I used to curse that sonofabitch whose name I had to keep. Ramanujam! Try cursing with your head bobbing inside the toilet. It’s fucking hard!

(audience laughs)

Hell, the guy wasn’t even around, fuck him! I wanted to drop the name, but high-school names stick on with you for a long time. A really long time. I was Ramanujam till the end of my school days. Thankfully, I grew up a bit, and the bullies couldn’t pick me up that easily, so the head-down-the-toilet thing stopped.

My mom used to do a lot of drugs. Marijuana, cocaine, heroin, shit like that. You know the drugs I’m talking about, oh you know I’m sure – even the smarmy bastards in their business suits. You’re looking at me right now as though you’re sorry, but I know what you’re thinking – if I have any with me right now or not!

(audience laughs)

Or, maybe if I’m still in touch with my mom anymore.

(audience laughs)

Or if I have my mom’s dealer’s contact number!

(audience laughs)

If you have any such questions… meet me after the show and we’ll talk! Now…

(audience laughs)

Now, moving on. So, my name’s Brad Ramanujam. I used to get bullied in high school. My mom did a lot of drugs. And I was a bastard son. Oh shit… wait, I didn’t tell you that one till now, did I?

(audience laughs nervously)

Damn, I’m sorry… I’m all nervous, man, standing out here on the stage. Bright fucking lights in my face, my hands are shaking like crazy. Anyway, so I was a bastard son. Took me a few years to figure that one out. No wonder my dad didn’t stick around, eh? He just probably took one look at my mom and went, “Hey, my stuff isn’t inside me anymore. It’s your stuff now, you deal with it!”

(audience laughs)

So, yeah, he left. As if there was any chance of him sticking around. And then, mom couldn’t go around doing her job anymore – I mean, who’d want to fuck a pregnant whore now, right? Oh shit… I did it again!

(titters from the audience)

Damn, I’m so nervous. (pointing to the lights) could you turn down the lights a bit, man? Or a little bit away from me? It’s freaking the fuck out me right now! (the lights dim just a little bit) Yeah, that’ll do. Thanks.

So yeah, my mom’s a whore. Well, was, actually. I mean, she’s not a whore still. I mean, she could be, I just don’t know about it. I mean… I really shouldn’t be thinking along those lines!

My dad probably was a shitty customer that she had, but apparently she knew who he was and everything. Anyway, so there I was, swimming around in my mom’s belly waiting to be born…

(Brad smiles) (audience laughs softly)

Aah, I grew up in a shitty environment. You guys know that by now, right? Yeah…

(audience laughs a little louder)

And I was quite a shitty kid too, once I’d grown up a bit. I mean, I’d ride a bike all day long, and I kept long hair and everything, and I’d fuck a whore myself. That’s how I fell in love for the first time. I was 16, she was 18. I loved her tits, she loved my allowance. It was perfect!

(audience laughs)

Yeah. I’ve been in love a few times after that too – wait a minute, you thought I was still with the hooker, didn’t you?

(audience laughs)

You sick fucks… I’m not that messed up anymore, man! Talk about being judgmental… geez!

(audience laughs)

(speaking emphatically) I’ve fallen in love a few times after that little adventure of mine! At least wait till you know the whole story before you start judging me!

(audience laughs)

I’ve been in love with two more girls. The second girl I loved was Maria. I got her pregnant, and I ran away. I think I get that from my dad…

(audience laughs)

… the Ramanujam side of me!

(audience laughs)

My next girlfriend was called – oh geez, I keep forgetting her name.

(audience laughs)

Sarah! No, wait… Linda. No, Sarah. Who the fuck is Linda, then?

(audience laughs)

Sarah, yeah. Sarah was the next love of my life. She was a lesbian.

(audience is quiet)

I will repeat that.

(audience laughs)

I was in love with Sarah, who was a lesbian. The most fucked up part is that we both knew it. We dated for a month or so. Still confused?

(audience laughs)

Don’t worry, so am I. It’s been a few years, but I’m confused even now.

Here’s what happened. Sarah was a lesbian, but she liked fucking guys when she was high.

(audience laughs)

The funny bit is, we both knew about that fact!

(audience laughs)

And we dated!

(audience laughs)

For a fucking month!

(audience laughs)

And we fucked every night!

(audience laughs)

Well, you know… not every night, I mean… there were a few days in the middle, when things were a little messy, down there, you know.

(audience laughs)

And, I mean, I couldn’t get myself to do it for those few days… blood everywhere… gah!

(audience laughs)

But the other nights, man… we banged like bunnies! We fucked every chance we got! And I didn’t even think about it at that time.

(audience laughs)

Was she high during the whole time? The entire fucking month?

(audience laughs)

That’s some extra potent shit she must have been taking! I gotta get the name of that…

(audience laughs)

By the way, if anyone sitting here finds the effect anywhere familiar, talk to me after the show… I’d like to…

(audience laughs)

I’d like to meet you. And know you. Maybe become friends in future…?

(audience laughs)

So, yeah. I’ve had a pretty shitty life, growing up in a shitty environment and everything. But the thing that gets to me is that even now, everyone – everyone – judges me before they know me. You’re doing that as well, right now… probably.

(audience laughs)

Nod, you motherfuckers! Even if you don’t mean it, just say yes! Fucking humour me, will you?

(audience laughs, and then nods)

Thank you! So, you see. Everyone judges me…

(audience laughs)

… when they hear about my childhood, and my dad, and my mom, and the whore and the lesbian girlfriend. But I’m not entirely like that. And it hurts that people judge me like this. Like, the other day, my friend Dan Fedoseev…

(a few titters from the audience)

Hey, that’s not a funny name! His dad’s still around, you fuckers! Don’t laugh at my best friend!

(audience laughs)

My friend Dan Fff – nevermind, you’ll just laugh again! Dan…!

(audience laughs)

Dan came over to my place. We grew up in the same neighbourhood but he’d moved a while back. Now, he was my best friend, and he knew about my fucked up life. He knew everything! We were meeting after some five years or so – give or take a few… shit, I’m bad at math!

(audience laughs)

And Dan came over to my place with a bag full of doobies, all rolled out and everything.

And he offered me one, just assuming that I like smoking up! (Brad shuts up)

(expectant audience begins to laugh)

I know! That fucker just assumed that I was a pothead!

(audience laughs)

This motherfucker grew up with me, knew me inside out. And, he thought I was a fucking pothead! So…

(audience laughs)

So, I sat him down, and I helped him fire up the joint. And then, I told him, as nicely as I could… ‘Fuck you, Dan! Just ‘coz I had a nasty childhood and a shitty life, doesn’t mean I’m a pothead! I don’t do drugs, man. I just sell them!’

(audience laughs)

Thank you, all. You’ve been great tonight…

(curtains)

~